Sleeplessness-I
I don't remember the last time I saw a nightmare. How would I actually, I mean, for that, one needs to remember when he slept last time at night. I wish to see one. I have forgotten how it feels to wake up at night- scared, terrified and shout out 'Mummies!'.
That was one unfunny joke of mine on my problem. But seriously, sleeplessness is so annoying, distressing, frustrating that I can't describe with mere adjectives- I wish I knew more adjectives. You stay whole night with cell-phone in front of your face watching either Youtube or You-Know-whose-name-shouldn't-be-written sites.
I used to fear sleeplessness a lot. I used to shrill if I got any insights of not being able to sleep that night. It occurred to me during my class Eleven's Boards, English it was. It was drizzling outside. Rain's Sound is very peaceful and is a natural agent for making one feel relaxed and fall asleep. But, in my case, it didn't help. I was restless that night, suffocating and aggravated due to sleeplessness. I kept on compelling myself to sleep but couldn't fall. I had a very difficult time next day during my exams. I almost dozed up once, but somehow I managed to take it. I was wondering if that occurred to teach me a lesson for believing: 'Who studies English, it is easy'. Sleeplessness made it difficult, I must admit- 'Very Difficult'. But thanks to Lord, it didn't come after that night. I slept and took my other exams quite well.
But, who knew sleeplessness wouldn't be back! Next year, it was during Baiskhakh- and yeah- near my class twelve's examinations. Even though I had done everything- including meditation, exercising, reading, studying (Man! I was preparing for Boards)- I was not being able to get any sleep at nights since a month. It must have occurred again for believing: 'Class twelve is easier than eleven.' But what I feared the most- happened! I didn't sleep one night during my examinations. Every night I would shrill with fear of not being able to sleep, trying to calm down myself and forcing myself to sleep. I would go to my exam center with unslept-mind-and-body and take my exams. I slept at noon after coming to my room. I had very difficult time and it showed up in my results too. Since then, sleeplessness has clung to me.
Since last two days, I haven't slept at night. It is not a new story for me though- half of a month I don't sleep at nights; another half I do because I haven't slept the former half. Since I didn't sleep last night, I was pondering and analyzing the problem and probable reasons. I figured out this must be due to my fear and forceful commitment- forceful commitment of waking up early and fear of not being able to. It made sense to all those times I have suffered, or suffer. Similarly, I wondered if this problem exists due to the busy night schedule that asks for gratification (Not the gratification you are thinking, but the one that you get after completion of productive-non-sexual tasks).
Every night, I compel myself to read a book, listen to an audio-book, write a journal, prepare a speech, code, and study for entrance- this is a tight schedule, incompletion of anyone can make me feel guilty and be the reason for sleeplessness that night. But, last night I decided to make a change. I decided to limit or re-arrange my night-habits. So, I have decided to read a fiction until I fall asleep. And yeah- that's the re-arrangement. I am not going to omit any of my night-habits. I planted them with so much love.
I honestly think I have become used to sleeplessness. Over time, I have started to embrace it and welcome it; and, find different ways to make my nights fun and productive (again, not sexually). I swim in my ocean of imagination, ponder upon myself, speak with darkness, write about the emptiness, read the virtual world- I have become more of me during these phases these days. After doing all these stuff, in the end, I still wish I would fall asleep. Even if I don't, I don't worry anymore.
I bought 'A Study in Scarlet' by Sir Arthur Donan Coyle today. This is fiction which is going to be my companion for sleepless nights (until I complete it). My first Television Series- not the one I played in but watched- is based on this novel: Sherlock Holmes. I have an equally exciting and enthralling audiobook by Ellen Degr... (Pronounced De-generous, I presume she is not) called 'Seriously, I am not kidding'.
I don't know if I will get some sleep tonight or not, but I am sure I am going to have a 'Good Night'.
That was one unfunny joke of mine on my problem. But seriously, sleeplessness is so annoying, distressing, frustrating that I can't describe with mere adjectives- I wish I knew more adjectives. You stay whole night with cell-phone in front of your face watching either Youtube or You-Know-whose-name-shouldn't-be-written sites.
I used to fear sleeplessness a lot. I used to shrill if I got any insights of not being able to sleep that night. It occurred to me during my class Eleven's Boards, English it was. It was drizzling outside. Rain's Sound is very peaceful and is a natural agent for making one feel relaxed and fall asleep. But, in my case, it didn't help. I was restless that night, suffocating and aggravated due to sleeplessness. I kept on compelling myself to sleep but couldn't fall. I had a very difficult time next day during my exams. I almost dozed up once, but somehow I managed to take it. I was wondering if that occurred to teach me a lesson for believing: 'Who studies English, it is easy'. Sleeplessness made it difficult, I must admit- 'Very Difficult'. But thanks to Lord, it didn't come after that night. I slept and took my other exams quite well.
But, who knew sleeplessness wouldn't be back! Next year, it was during Baiskhakh- and yeah- near my class twelve's examinations. Even though I had done everything- including meditation, exercising, reading, studying (Man! I was preparing for Boards)- I was not being able to get any sleep at nights since a month. It must have occurred again for believing: 'Class twelve is easier than eleven.' But what I feared the most- happened! I didn't sleep one night during my examinations. Every night I would shrill with fear of not being able to sleep, trying to calm down myself and forcing myself to sleep. I would go to my exam center with unslept-mind-and-body and take my exams. I slept at noon after coming to my room. I had very difficult time and it showed up in my results too. Since then, sleeplessness has clung to me.
Since last two days, I haven't slept at night. It is not a new story for me though- half of a month I don't sleep at nights; another half I do because I haven't slept the former half. Since I didn't sleep last night, I was pondering and analyzing the problem and probable reasons. I figured out this must be due to my fear and forceful commitment- forceful commitment of waking up early and fear of not being able to. It made sense to all those times I have suffered, or suffer. Similarly, I wondered if this problem exists due to the busy night schedule that asks for gratification (Not the gratification you are thinking, but the one that you get after completion of productive-non-sexual tasks).
Every night, I compel myself to read a book, listen to an audio-book, write a journal, prepare a speech, code, and study for entrance- this is a tight schedule, incompletion of anyone can make me feel guilty and be the reason for sleeplessness that night. But, last night I decided to make a change. I decided to limit or re-arrange my night-habits. So, I have decided to read a fiction until I fall asleep. And yeah- that's the re-arrangement. I am not going to omit any of my night-habits. I planted them with so much love.
I honestly think I have become used to sleeplessness. Over time, I have started to embrace it and welcome it; and, find different ways to make my nights fun and productive (again, not sexually). I swim in my ocean of imagination, ponder upon myself, speak with darkness, write about the emptiness, read the virtual world- I have become more of me during these phases these days. After doing all these stuff, in the end, I still wish I would fall asleep. Even if I don't, I don't worry anymore.
I bought 'A Study in Scarlet' by Sir Arthur Donan Coyle today. This is fiction which is going to be my companion for sleepless nights (until I complete it). My first Television Series- not the one I played in but watched- is based on this novel: Sherlock Holmes. I have an equally exciting and enthralling audiobook by Ellen Degr... (Pronounced De-generous, I presume she is not) called 'Seriously, I am not kidding'.
I don't know if I will get some sleep tonight or not, but I am sure I am going to have a 'Good Night'.
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